Me, Bathhouses, and Dangerous Conversations
by demigod39cluesfan
Summary: Akihisa hangs out with his bad friends, Yuuji and Muttsurini. Many interesting topics of conversation ensue. Rated T, Reviews are greatly appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Baka Test, no matter how much I wish for it so. Season three. Onegai!_

Me, Bathhouses, and Dangerous Conversations

_Yoshii Akihisa's POV_

I am in a situation. Not a great one, but not a horrible one either.

You see, I had agreed to go to the public baths with my bad friends, Sakamoto Yuuji, Tsychiya Kouta (aka Muttsurini), and Kinoshita Hideyoshi.

I thought it would all be worth it since my beautiful Hideyoshi would be there. However…

HE WAS ABDUCTED BEFORE HE COULD COME! WHY?!

Apparently, his sister Yuuko had stopped him before he could go! I could cry…

Back to the current situation. It was partially nice.

On one hand, the smooth, tiled walls that were misted over from steam. White tendrils of steam rose in the air, while the perfectly heated water soothed my muscles. It was really nice.

Now for the bad part. It has three words: Yuuji and Muttsurini.

I can feel their stares on my back. If they're going to say something, then do it, you idiots!

Yuuji opened his mouth. "Oi, Akihisa. Have you made your choice?"

Eh? What? Does he mean what I am going to eat for lunch? What a really indirect way to say it.

"I was thinking I should have salt for lunch and the sugar for dinner. Don't want to lose my appetite, right?"

They both stared at me for a moment. What? I answered them!

"You're an idiot."

"…Baka."

What did I do?!

Yuuji cleared his throat. "I meant Himeji or Shimada. Which one do you like? Did you choose one of them, yet? Frankly, it's annoying with how long you've kept them hanging."

Which one do I like? Choose?

"I like them both a lot. They're great people, and I really treasure our friendship!"

Yuuji and Muttsurini are staring at me weirdly!

"You're such a moron."

"…Stupid."

I didn't do anything!

"Never mind. This bath is really nice." Yuuji changed the subject. At least he's not picking on me anymore, the bastard.

I might as well say something.

"Sometimes, I wish I had long hair so I could be wrapped in a warm blanket in the bath."

""Stupid.""

Eh?!

"…I've got a topic."

Muttsurini? What pervertish topic are we delving into? Will you survive?

"…Favorite hairstyles on girls."

""Long hair.""

Yuuji?!

We looked at each other. This bastard likes long hair as well?!

They looked at me.

Yuuji spoke. "Well, it's not surprising considering he has that ponytail fetish."

Ack! Everyone always brings that up!

"Stupid Yuuji! I also like long hair because It frames girls' faces well! Not just ponytails!"

I shouted this to try to save my pride.

"How adorable, Akihisa."

"…Said without shame."

Why me?!

"Well, what about you Yuuji?! You have a thing for long hair too!"

Yuuji smirked at me. "I'll humor you, Akihisa. Long hair is generally soft to the touch. If the occasion arose, I could take a strand of the girl's long hair, run my fingers through it, and- DODGE!"

Tch! He dodged my punch at the last moment! The water had slowed me down a second… That bastard! To think he could even imagine such a scene!

"…Fu, fu."

Muttsurini is laughing quietly to himself in the corner of the bath. What is with him?

"…How naïve."

'"Eh?""

Yuuji looks as confused as I feel. What is he thinking?

"Say whatever you're thinking, Muttsurini. The suspense is killing us." Yuuji said sarcastically.

"…To think you would both answer 'long hair.' Fu, fu."

Huh?

"…Short hair is the obvious choice."

"How?"

I said without thinking. What is going on in that head of his?

"…Imagine. A girl with short hair. Let's call her Yuri. Brown hair, to the bottom of her ears, in a haircut like Kudou's."

Yuuji and I nodded. I can see her!

"…Yuri has just gotten out of the shower. A white bath towel covers her, with slight cleavage showing through."

This story just got interesting. Muttsurini is tilting his head back, in order to stop any bleeding.

"…Her hair is still wet. Tiny drips are falling from the strands in her hair."

Where is this going? I have to know!

"…One drop falls, and lands on her shoulder. The drop rolls down, guided by her collarbone…"

I can feel my nose reaching its limit. The collarbone… collarbone… what about it?

"…Guided by the collarbone, the drop goes down, right down into… I'll let your mind figure it out."

Yuuji's mouth is slightly open, and his cheeks are a rosy red. I can't say anything, though. I can feel the heat on my cheeks.

Muttsurini, you genius! I believe in short hair now!

"You have my respect, Muttsurini." I say in a spacey voice.

Yuuji nods absentmindedly.

A thought occurs to me.

"That's the only reason you like short hair? Do you have a crush on someone with short hair?" Depending on the answer, I won't have to kill him.

Muttsurini has a deer-in-the-headlights-look.

"…Don't be ridiculous."

His cheeks are a rosy color. Is it from the bath?

Yuuji opens his mouth. "Am I glad the girls aren't here right now. I feel strangely free right now."

Muttsurini and I shudder. I know I wouldn't be standing here with all my bones intact.

_No one's POV_

Unbeknownst to our heroes, the girls were there. In the female section of the baths, Shimada Minami, Himeji Mizuki, Kirishima Shouko, and Kudou Aiko were listening to everything our dear heroes had said.

Some were enjoying this, while others were not.

_We still don't know which one Aki (Akihisa-kun) likes! _Minami and Himeji thought furiously.

…_Yuuji… likes long hair. He must be… thinking about me… right? _Shouko thought.

_Fu, fu~ How enjoyable this is! _Aiko grinned.

The next day, there would probably be three bodies found in the F Classroom.

**The end! Inspired by a conversation in an anime I watched. I hope everyone likes this.**

**Should I do a continuation?**

**Review, please! I love all of them!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu. No matter how much I wish I did. If I did, my OTPs would always prevail._

Why am I, Yoshii Akihisa, back here in this place again?!

I am surrounded by warm mist and tiled floors. Yes, it is this place again. The bathhouse.

I don't trust the walls of this place. The last time I was here, I was tricked into revealing my fetishes. Even worse, the girls somehow found out and we were beaten into near death.

I glance warily at the two people facing me. My truly bad friends, Sakamoto Yuuji and Tsuchiya Kouta, AKA Muttsurini.

"How the heck did I get stuck with you two idiots again?!" I whine.

"Who's calling who an idiot?!" Yuuji shoots back.

"Tch!"

"…We bribed you." Muttsurini answers.

That's right. How could I possibly refuse a cup of steamed ramen?

I breathe in deeply, letting the warm water soak into my skin.

…

…

This… prolonged silence… is getting to me! I have to say something!

"So, Muttsurini, you like Kudou-san, right?"

So I got nervous, sue me!

Muttsurini is grimacing, and shakes his hands in a 'you've got it wrong' gesture.

"…O-Of course not! I have no interest in people like her…!"

His cheeks are red… from the steam or the accusation?

"How adorable, it's just like a Shoujo manga!" I say, poking some more fun.

"Tch…!" (rustle)

Muttsurini… is writing something on a piece of paper by the side of the bath.

Yuuji, who's been silent all this time, finally speaks.

"Yo, Muttsurini, what are you writing?"

"…I've just cut off Akihisa from all orders for two months."

Wait, what?! No! There is no way I'll survive without new pictures of Himeji-san and Hideyoshi! Heck, I'll even take Minami's pictures, at least she has good legs!

"Dude, that's cold. Can't you see Akihisa is dying over there? I think I see him foaming at the mouth." Yuuji says without a care in the world.

"Just, just don't cut me off from Hideyoshi, my goddess, please…" I murmur, not sure if this is a nightmare or reality.

"For the last time, Akihisa, I. Am. A. Guy!"

Where did that voice come from? That melodious, whimsical sound like the harps of heaven?

"Hidyoshi? Is that you? You've come to save me!"

"Akihisa, I just happened to be in the next bath over."

"Y-You're in the girl's bath?!" I knew it!

"No, no, no, Akihisa, you've got it all wrong. When I tried to go to the boy's bath, they said a girl couldn't go in there. I ended up being forced to go in a bath called 'Hideyoshi Bath.'"

Ah, I see. It makes sense now since Hideyoshi's voice is coming from the opposite side of the girl's bath.

"…Akihisa."

Muttsurini calls to me, and as I make eye contact, I understand.

Hideyoshi, whose body is unknown to all, is right next door to us. Which means that, just over this wall, is Hideyoshi's glorious body!

I nod stealthily to Muttsurini, who produces a camera out of nowhere.

We jump out of the bath and sprint to the other side.

"Oh, and for some reason, there are metal rods all over the wall that are pulsing with electricity."

Muttsurini and I try to slow down, but we still smash into the rods.

"…(shocked)"

Owwwww! My goddessssss! It hurts, it hurts!

"Idiots." Yuuji says from afar.

**Short, but sweet. I really went on a whim here, but if you want more, I can probably whip something up. Until next time.**


End file.
